2016

Another year gone and passed, this would typically be the time i would look back at all the bullshit i've been through throughout the year..and for some reason tell myself that this is a new year and a blank slate. It really isn't though, not this time.
I've had thoughts of such negativity every new year because i've never had a year quite so good that it puts everything else into perspective. I'm more than happy to say 2015 has been the best year of my life, i surprise myself, i'm not used to this?
I would routinely look at the night every single new year, from sitting on top of my house gate watching the distant fireworks, to "celebrating" the year with my closest mates with the fireworks right in front of my eyes, say the same prayer thanking God for keeping myself and everyone around me safe and healthy, pray for another year of safety and happiness and close my eyes wondering how i even got through this year.
I don't know what i would call myself, but i find myself personally attached to my own thoughts and memories, there's never been a way to explain it, i could be looking at something that means so much to me, right there in the moment, and i could stand there just astonished at what's in front of me, i would replay every single thing i have locked up in my memory and i would enjoy the moment purely with my sight. However i've realised my flaws and problems and i leave things without physically taking action upon it, i can walk away completely content with having that little or big moment stored in my head with a few smiles.
It's until a year like 2015 comes along that i understand every single thing i've been doing wrong this whole time, even things i don't realise, it's until you have a night on your own thinking about how far you've come and exactly how much you've grown and changed, for better or worse, that i get my true outcome of my year.

For the longest time i longed for something to be great for, i told myself that it may be taking a while, and i may not be doing the right things to get there, but when it comes around i will realise exactly what it is and what i want and that i'm going to be the best version of every part of me to hold onto it. At that point it could of been anything, sports, friendships, relationships, family, a job, my studies, absolutely anything.
I found somebody that took my breath away like everybody gets once in their lifetime, there was a point where i could look at her and tell myself that i'm going to be a better person, a point where i knew exactly what i wanted and needed to be for her, from there without even trying i found myself progressing in every aspect of myself. I'm not gunna lie it weirded me out, routines and habits would just disappear, the games i used to enjoy meant nothing to me, the alcohol i consumed was suddenly pure regret, the late nights felt like time wasted. The only thing i knew in the moment was that i was genuinely happy, not just oh i'm in a good mood now or hey this is pretty fun, i feel as though i am content with this story, this is what i want to strive to be.
The change has been so drastic yet so subtle.
I don't even see the point in the number of the date anymore, my so called "resolution" has been to better myself as a person, a son, a brother, a boyfriend, a friend and that will never change. It's my goal every single day, not just every year. At least i'm writing this for myself to look back on if i ever go off the rails a little and lose my way.
On these emotional lolnights i always end up in notice of how i would never have changed the way i have if it wasn't for the people, support and love around me, and for every little piece of care and love i'm given, i would give back with a bundle of love and gratitude from the bottom of my heart, to the heart of my bottom.

the light of my life. 

Happy new year.

Trying to keep this blog alive like kicking a dead dog, these posts have been more of a lesson to my future self, and a way to write away my sleepless nights i guess. type*

To the North.

   Little have i recognised the time i've spent here, in the same place doing the same things, building my routine over and over, it had been so long that other countries became irrelevant, the thought of travelling was always there, random feelings of being stuck, spontaneous ideas and planning with friends that eventually we forget about. Eventually i ruled out the idea of being anywhere but here. 

   Next thing i knew, i was on a plane to Dubai, being given so little time to prepare myself, i had forgotten the hurt of goodbyes, until i was faced with it. There's something about being stuck in the same place for 7 years that makes it so hard to leave, i'm not going to sit here and tell you of what an amazing country Malaysia is and how much i love the place, because i lowkey have wanted out from the beginning. I knew it was for two weeks, i know exactly how long two weeks can be.. not long at all, something about saying goodbye to the person i love for two weeks that puts doubt in my mind if i can even function without her. Maybe i've never been in that situation to be ready for it, but then again how can you ever be ready to leave someone who is such a part of your life. 

   All we had was hope, hope that we would reach our destination in one piece, and hope that we could carry out what we were there to do. Just as we landed in England, i could feel my excitement, i wanted to get out, i wanted to feel the fresh cold air, i felt like i was 13 again being so chirpy. Our first few steps into Heathrow my Dad gets a call and the reason we were there was gone. 

To this day, two weeks later, i like to feel that we could of been a difference, a spark in her gruesome days. Of course, i wish i could have had one last conversation, whether she would hear me while she slept or not, i just needed to thank her for being everything she was to me, for being such an amazing individual. 

God has his plans, and i of all understand and respect that, it was devastating, it was devastating for all of us, i didn't know her as well as i wish i had, but i knew her enough to know of her kindness, her humour, her pure heart. And so she's not in pain anymore, a person who has lived such a life should never suffer the end of it. I was never one to cry at funerals, i would get choked up remembering my most vivid memories of her, it's my acknowledgement that this is a beautiful woman who has lived an incredible life full of people she loved and people who loved her, a complete celebration and appreciation of her wonderful life. 

   Having been 7 years since my last visit to England, I wanted to appreciate this trip as much as i could, and i kept to my word. Waking up everyday i had two things on my mind and one of them was to explore. The cold was a challenge, walk until i feel warmth, i loved every minute of it, i don't know at what point of my life i learnt how to take in the sights and take in the true beauty of the earth. But i would find myself alone in these astonishing places just standing still utterly amazed. I took in everything, i walked for miles and miles along the riverside seeing the same old farms the same old trees and the same old river but i never got bored of it. Every single moment i had, i felt like everything was near perfect if only i could have shared it with her, the only person i can ever think of who has such a natural mindset to appreciate every beauty of the world.

   Going to London was quite the trip, meeting a long lost friend who was never really lost, the father Sebastian in all his glory. Spending the day exploring a city which was alien to both of us, being alongside somebody who i used to spend so many immature days with, catching up on the 5 years we haven't seen each other, it was one of those things in my head that i thought would never happen. Yet there we were talking about life, love, the future, and his daughter. I felt like Seb spent his strides trying to keep up with me, i was in that zone, i wanted to see everything there was to see. We walked until our legs were sore, just like we always used to, from Victoria Station to Buckingham Palace to Westminster Abbey and the Big Ben to Southbank to Covent Garden to Chinatown to Leicester Square.

I'm not going to be that typical tourist who tells you how amazing London is, i may not have done everything there was to do but, leaving a city to explore another city, i just didn't feel amazed, i felt crowded and claustrophobic, the concrete started to piss me off, to be honest i was more amazed by how clear the sky and the clouds were, but that's just my opinion. Westminster Abbey was quite the sight to see though.

There's been a certain influence in my recent life that has made me appreciate the natural creations of our earth rather than structures. 

Brighton again on our last day, our last visit to Brighton was wet and gloomy, this time it was perfect, visiting Seven Sisters, honestly....a moment i'll never forget, the moment i got a look at it i was in love. the wide hills and plains full of different colours of plants and flowers, the river running through the plains through to the sea. Being at the pebble beach looking up at the cliffs, i knew i would regret leaving this place without getting up there. And that i did, alone. A short hike up a slanted hill to the edge of the cliffs, i stood there and felt as though my jaw hit the floor, i was absolutely mute. I walked to one side of a cliff i walked to another side of a cliff i was turning my head everywhere i went, i wanted to see every little detail there was to see. After a while i sat at a little ledge just short of a 150 metre drop off a chalk sea cliff, staring out at the ocean so vast and blue, i took the time to think about a lot that's going on in my life. To me, being somewhere that makes me feel so small, mentally and physically, is the place where i make my thoughts count, every problem i face at the moment feels like absolutely nothing, it takes my mind off the bad so i can focus on everything good in my life. I take the time to appreciate every little thing anybody has ever done for me, i take the time to think about everything i can give back to the people i love, how to make them happy, how to make them know that i appreciate them, it's something i want to work on, because in my lonely opinion, love is the greatest gift you can ever give someone. 

As much as i hate to believe it, someone dear to my heart is gone, wrapping my head around that, it's sort of a rejuvenation, it's an opportunity to learn from life that has lived, hearing the stories from people much older than me, a lot of them having lost their other half, telling us how the light in their life burned out, and how they were never the same person since. My trip to England has been an eye-opener, a mind opener, love as much as you can, live and enjoy every single thing that gets put in your way, make everything worth your time. No i'm not becoming a monk, i'm not preaching peace and telling you to stop drugs, i just want to learn to my best ability to appreciate every little thing, every little blade of grass. 

Coming home after two weeks, feeling like i could find the beauty in the hazy smog of the skies that is Kuala Lumpur, seeing the people i care about the most, coming home knowing you were missed, coming home to you, there is no better feeling.

i guess this got pretty deep ey

<3 p="">

 

Without fail, that sound would bring me to my knees. It felt like the phone call you receive when someone you love has been out driving on a sheet of ice : I'm back, I'm safe, I'm yours again.

I just don't think that this life will ever be enough For a lonely misfit, a homesick wanderer But there's no place for this lost ponderer My arms are becoming tired, I'd like to just float Let the smooth sand cover my body and my breathing will slow Choking on salt water never tasted so sweet Don't look down, the darkness swept away your feet They told me not to give in But my body feels so weak The ocean floor is where you'll find me Ninety feet deep.

Penang.

Last week i went for a class trip to Penang,
honestly sounded so lame but then again i haven't been to Penang before so i didn't mind the exploration,
(and it was fairly cheap)
Getting to Penang we were chucked into some kinda youth hostel,
with like colourful walls pool tables & cozy bunk beds lol.
So in our leisure time in the evenings, since we're nocturnal bastards we go out in search for cheap "penang food". safe to say that doesn't exist.
I've heard stories and legends of famous fried kuey teow and asam laksa or whatevers,
Little did we know the uncanny resemblance with Australia, all the shops close before you can even think of dinner, which is utter bullshit obviously.
So for three nights all we did was walk for hours in the night in the dirty ass roads of Penang.
Can't really complain about it though we gave each other good company and had pretty long talks about life and society and politics and tax and all that interesting stuff right im joking.
But even in those nights we did manage to find quite a number of pubs and reggae bars, so those were good times.
For such a dirty place with not many places to eat and more alleyways to get lost in than new york city, there were a staggering number of tourists around, as a half tourist i found that real weird.

Anyways on the last full day we had to explore freely, i took it upon myself to part ways with my lazy ass mates and try to find these wall paintings everybody was craving about.
It just happened to be one of those days when you're loving the sun on your body and you walk for hours but all you realize is the beauty in the old structures and shoplots.
May have sustained a pretty nasty sunburn but that's nothing new by now.
Anyways after about an hour of trying to find the 'Armenian Street', i did.
Without a map telling you where to find all the paintings, i swear it was quite the treasure hunt.
But i did end up finding some gems.
Obviously the oh so famous children on a bicycle.

And this baby in the middle of a pole, which i can't remember what they named it but it was just fucking awesome.

Anyways as i walked on (and eventually got lost) i found some seriously cool artworks, most of them barely even known as a tourist attraction which just...baffles me.

And this extremely random painting of roses in an ice cream cone, which i thought was the best i saw in Penang in terms of pure talent, in the middle of some empty street, like literally i was looking around thinking why does this not get attention??

I didn't take pictures of everything i saw but it was truly amazing, Penang has it's absolutely beautiful sides. 

Our tour took us to Penang Hill, & Ferrengghi if that's how you spell it, Shit beach i might add, we went in anyway but i honestly i was going to come out chemically changed like a fucking mutant turtle. You would swim for awhile and two pieces of trash would float past you, dirty as ever. But hey it's what the locals do...might aswell join in the "fun".

Trust me ever since seeing the pictures of the trip, i have never known how ridiculously retarded a tank top sunburn looks like.

We visited temples which had stairs for days and tall towers and peaceful music and really old tortoises. And these really cool fake trees which you hang ribbons on with a wish on it.

Overall it ended up a really cool weekend, it's always nice to see new parts of Malaysia, the differences in culture from the city to the island. I do recommend Penang, not for longer then 3 days though. Glad to say that we made the best of it, the extremely long walks to nowhere, exploring new things, seeing old people shirtless all over town (ripped btw). The drunk nights with me classmates and the wasted walks back to hostel which felt like fucking forever, sleeping on roads and going half nude for no apparent reason. And you know...seeing the temples and stuff lol ;) What i loved most though was the extremely random paintings, like cats and sesame street, roses on ice cream cones, i love random things, i could stare at it on the wall of an alley for like 5 minutes just wondering what the fuck the artist was thinking or what drug he was on.

sorry for lack of face. 

peace

2014 playlist.

Music gets me through the phases,
the ups and downs there's always something to cheer you up even when you know you're alone.
iv'e always been an avid lover of music, sorta runs in the family
certain songs remind me of certain days and events, some songs remind me of a certain person,
it's scary how much music makes up my memory.
i'm not some emotional wreck i just feel like these tunes need to be appreciated.
and this is probably just a good reason for me to come back and love the same songs all over again.

M83 - Wait (Kygo Remix) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yifz3X_i-F8

Sia - Breathe Me https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZly12eGpNA

Jaymes Young - I'll Be Good https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-p1rCzAnU8

Hozier - From Eden https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=APjVO-COYog

Crywolf n' Ianborg - Ribcage https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7IgFiO_0Lc

Bastille - Oblivion https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PF-_H54mydE

Kygo feat. Conrad - Firestone https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbZusVDBf4A

Sam Smith - Nirvana https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5jbIWAnQ7w

Rudimental - Free ft. Emeli Sande https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDPW_g2AhAU

Snow Patrol - The Lightning Strike https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGcPJooXT1o

Civil Twilight - Letters From The Sky https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bN4AgsNIYM

Kodaline - Pray https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCnYRrWRK7c

Kodaline - The Answer https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyZtqLoNO6Y

Kodaline - All Comes Down https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Q488-yB1a8

Jose Gonzalez - Stay Alive https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZnu7fVRPIc

Halsey - Is There Somewhere https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59L-rrbe068

The Killers - Boots https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UymN_kjYeFk

Coldplay - Midnight (Kygo Remix) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHgWHZ0gXtw

OneRepublic - Au Revoir https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBbcl05Bx1U

Chris Malinchak - So Good To Me https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akVnpIXFv-o

Jonsi - Around Us (The Chainsmokers Remix) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKwanveSC9w

Klingande - Jubel https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6vSf0cA9qY

The Neighbourhood - Afraid https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrWwtU7iyl0

Starset - My Demons https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSvOTw8UH6s

Saosin - You're Not Alone https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7v3ol5OEfE

Seinabo Sey - Younger (Kygo Remix) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eniFdo1BQSM

Marvin Gaye - Sexual Healing (Kygo Remix) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WqPnZ4I9IdU

The 1975 - Medicine https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lur5B3a4_fk

Japanese Wallpaper - Waves (feat. Pepa Knight) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTzyMxfTZv0

Kasbo - White Lies (feat. Lemon) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T12mI8T_Acs

Memtrix - All You Are https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sp06zLLQCU

Mikky Ekko - Kids (The Chainsmokers Remix) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8-qL5t9TuM

Lights & Motion - Aerials https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QTf1Dc39yU

Florence And The Machine - Cosmic Love (Seven Lions Remix) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAvdqEsobaw


There is honestly so many more i just needa head out
I'm a fan of music in general, so near all genres i'm cool with, judge if you will.
maybe i'll do a part 2 sometime this or next year i unno

Three cheers for new years

2014 was a long bitch,

ups and downs but mostly downs,

i'm not gunna sit here and tell myself i had a good year.

But i guess that's somewhat in the past now.

Anyways i wanna reflect on the good times of 2014

i can't quite tell you how grateful i am for the people i have in my life,

all through high-school and even through college without them,

just their plain thoughts and knowing that we all care for each other, we don't even need to be together to feel the bromance.

This December

probably the month i always look forward to.

Genting to Carmen's crib. taking pics of flowers and shit.

noting Eugene being back from aussie, one of the better days of my year.

The most spontaneous outing to BATE's priv party with the Indian Jesus himself.

good music, a ton of free flow dranks, a damn near cardiac arrest, a fair amount of puke.

Then of course there's Christmas, honestly the hype is not quite as it used to be,

maybe i'm just getting older, but i feel like giving gifts is my reason for Christmas nowadays, not so much receiving anymore. There's a part of it that deep down i get a little tingly feeling of Ellen DeGeneres.

I've spent Christmas in two homes for 8 years now, it's nothing to complain about but even though i was just a kid, i know what a family on Christmas feels like.

little Amber, so cute, so annoying, still the best sister i have lol

NEW YEARS EVE.

nothing can compare, 

we were out two days prior in a row trying to figure out what we wanted to do for eve's,

Desa Park is always tradition but we did wanna change it up,

no matter what we came up with, sure enough we ended up in DPC.

honestly i couldn't have asked for a better night.

To think about it, every single person that was ever there for me throughout 2014 was present,

and there's nothing better than to shut out all of our problems in celebration for a new year, 

literally, altogether,

getting a little emotional now, these people have done so much for me i can't thank them enough.

2010

2014

All in all i wish the best for 2015,

make the best of it in any way you could.

never really thought about my new years resolution but i just want to better myself in every way possible, onwards and upwards.

thank you

love y'all

happy new year.

best self