To the North.

   Little have i recognised the time i've spent here, in the same place doing the same things, building my routine over and over, it had been so long that other countries became irrelevant, the thought of travelling was always there, random feelings of being stuck, spontaneous ideas and planning with friends that eventually we forget about. Eventually i ruled out the idea of being anywhere but here. 

   Next thing i knew, i was on a plane to Dubai, being given so little time to prepare myself, i had forgotten the hurt of goodbyes, until i was faced with it. There's something about being stuck in the same place for 7 years that makes it so hard to leave, i'm not going to sit here and tell you of what an amazing country Malaysia is and how much i love the place, because i lowkey have wanted out from the beginning. I knew it was for two weeks, i know exactly how long two weeks can be.. not long at all, something about saying goodbye to the person i love for two weeks that puts doubt in my mind if i can even function without her. Maybe i've never been in that situation to be ready for it, but then again how can you ever be ready to leave someone who is such a part of your life. 

   All we had was hope, hope that we would reach our destination in one piece, and hope that we could carry out what we were there to do. Just as we landed in England, i could feel my excitement, i wanted to get out, i wanted to feel the fresh cold air, i felt like i was 13 again being so chirpy. Our first few steps into Heathrow my Dad gets a call and the reason we were there was gone. 

To this day, two weeks later, i like to feel that we could of been a difference, a spark in her gruesome days. Of course, i wish i could have had one last conversation, whether she would hear me while she slept or not, i just needed to thank her for being everything she was to me, for being such an amazing individual. 

God has his plans, and i of all understand and respect that, it was devastating, it was devastating for all of us, i didn't know her as well as i wish i had, but i knew her enough to know of her kindness, her humour, her pure heart. And so she's not in pain anymore, a person who has lived such a life should never suffer the end of it. I was never one to cry at funerals, i would get choked up remembering my most vivid memories of her, it's my acknowledgement that this is a beautiful woman who has lived an incredible life full of people she loved and people who loved her, a complete celebration and appreciation of her wonderful life. 

   Having been 7 years since my last visit to England, I wanted to appreciate this trip as much as i could, and i kept to my word. Waking up everyday i had two things on my mind and one of them was to explore. The cold was a challenge, walk until i feel warmth, i loved every minute of it, i don't know at what point of my life i learnt how to take in the sights and take in the true beauty of the earth. But i would find myself alone in these astonishing places just standing still utterly amazed. I took in everything, i walked for miles and miles along the riverside seeing the same old farms the same old trees and the same old river but i never got bored of it. Every single moment i had, i felt like everything was near perfect if only i could have shared it with her, the only person i can ever think of who has such a natural mindset to appreciate every beauty of the world.

   Going to London was quite the trip, meeting a long lost friend who was never really lost, the father Sebastian in all his glory. Spending the day exploring a city which was alien to both of us, being alongside somebody who i used to spend so many immature days with, catching up on the 5 years we haven't seen each other, it was one of those things in my head that i thought would never happen. Yet there we were talking about life, love, the future, and his daughter. I felt like Seb spent his strides trying to keep up with me, i was in that zone, i wanted to see everything there was to see. We walked until our legs were sore, just like we always used to, from Victoria Station to Buckingham Palace to Westminster Abbey and the Big Ben to Southbank to Covent Garden to Chinatown to Leicester Square.

I'm not going to be that typical tourist who tells you how amazing London is, i may not have done everything there was to do but, leaving a city to explore another city, i just didn't feel amazed, i felt crowded and claustrophobic, the concrete started to piss me off, to be honest i was more amazed by how clear the sky and the clouds were, but that's just my opinion. Westminster Abbey was quite the sight to see though.

There's been a certain influence in my recent life that has made me appreciate the natural creations of our earth rather than structures. 

Brighton again on our last day, our last visit to Brighton was wet and gloomy, this time it was perfect, visiting Seven Sisters, honestly....a moment i'll never forget, the moment i got a look at it i was in love. the wide hills and plains full of different colours of plants and flowers, the river running through the plains through to the sea. Being at the pebble beach looking up at the cliffs, i knew i would regret leaving this place without getting up there. And that i did, alone. A short hike up a slanted hill to the edge of the cliffs, i stood there and felt as though my jaw hit the floor, i was absolutely mute. I walked to one side of a cliff i walked to another side of a cliff i was turning my head everywhere i went, i wanted to see every little detail there was to see. After a while i sat at a little ledge just short of a 150 metre drop off a chalk sea cliff, staring out at the ocean so vast and blue, i took the time to think about a lot that's going on in my life. To me, being somewhere that makes me feel so small, mentally and physically, is the place where i make my thoughts count, every problem i face at the moment feels like absolutely nothing, it takes my mind off the bad so i can focus on everything good in my life. I take the time to appreciate every little thing anybody has ever done for me, i take the time to think about everything i can give back to the people i love, how to make them happy, how to make them know that i appreciate them, it's something i want to work on, because in my lonely opinion, love is the greatest gift you can ever give someone. 

As much as i hate to believe it, someone dear to my heart is gone, wrapping my head around that, it's sort of a rejuvenation, it's an opportunity to learn from life that has lived, hearing the stories from people much older than me, a lot of them having lost their other half, telling us how the light in their life burned out, and how they were never the same person since. My trip to England has been an eye-opener, a mind opener, love as much as you can, live and enjoy every single thing that gets put in your way, make everything worth your time. No i'm not becoming a monk, i'm not preaching peace and telling you to stop drugs, i just want to learn to my best ability to appreciate every little thing, every little blade of grass. 

Coming home after two weeks, feeling like i could find the beauty in the hazy smog of the skies that is Kuala Lumpur, seeing the people i care about the most, coming home knowing you were missed, coming home to you, there is no better feeling.

i guess this got pretty deep ey

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