Pretty plain and simple,
I guess it's hard for me to take it in because well.... i just felt so confident,
I always thought confidence was a good thing,
After all these events i've changed my mind,
All people tell me to motivate me is to not be too confident,
Well there's a change of perception,
In rugby and football it's always sort of been about confidence.
And well,
Ever since my pathetic 4th place,
Confidence is just a word now,
Pretty sure all it does is make you think you're doing well when really...you're not.
Everybody gets nervous before these kinds of things,
For me,
I usually have a routine,
I'll live up to the moment doing certain things,
I'll sleep thinking about what i could accomplish,
I'll wake up thinking about my failure,
I'll pray all night long, to each pair of my shoes, to my shirt, to my shorts, to my boxers, to my myself and my abilities. Now, call me stupid...but that's just how i roll, i feel like it helps me, i feel like i need His help, which really is just being a whole new level of nervous.
A few hours before anything,
I will pace around trying to get failure out of my head,
I'll try my best to focus everything on myself and block out everything else,
I'll continuously look up to the sky, not sure why but i just like to make myself think that He's guiding me.
But every single time i step on to my performance,
I'll always be nervous, there's just no cutting that out, no shortcut.
When i lost my 800m,
I was completely devastated,
To be my last year and throw that kind of bullshit,
I didn't even deserve it, i like to think i do most of the time,
And whenever i go through my routine...and humiliate myself,
I start to lose faith, every single time,
After a while when i cool down,
I think to myself that it wasn't meant to be and the rest will be brilliant from now on,
I guess you just can't win everything right?
That's what i pride myself on.
Perfect opportunity to test it out at my 4x400m & tarik tali the next day,
And well....it works out,
I run well,
I get my first ever gold medal in 5 years in SSB,
And we win our tarik tali to move us into the finals,
And i thank God, then i feel like a hypocrite, it's all in a day's work,
But i'll always end up happy,
And that's all i need,
And i learn that it works both ways,
You win some, you lose some, but you can't win them all.
My resolution,
To get three medals, minimum,
I've got two,
Pretty pathetic compared to some of the athletes around me, but i'm still proud,
Last event i have left, my 4x100m,
My first ever and last ever time taking it,
And i've worked hard for it,
I feel like i deserve it.
Then of course there's my MSSD events, 110m & 400m hurdles,
which is pretty fucking insane if you ask me,
to have jumped 10 hurdles your entire life and compete against people who treat this with their life,
I mean, it's mental,
but i'll try,
I always do.
-KT
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