2016

Another year gone and passed, this would typically be the time i would look back at all the bullshit i've been through throughout the year..and for some reason tell myself that this is a new year and a blank slate. It really isn't though, not this time.
I've had thoughts of such negativity every new year because i've never had a year quite so good that it puts everything else into perspective. I'm more than happy to say 2015 has been the best year of my life, i surprise myself, i'm not used to this?
I would routinely look at the night every single new year, from sitting on top of my house gate watching the distant fireworks, to "celebrating" the year with my closest mates with the fireworks right in front of my eyes, say the same prayer thanking God for keeping myself and everyone around me safe and healthy, pray for another year of safety and happiness and close my eyes wondering how i even got through this year.
I don't know what i would call myself, but i find myself personally attached to my own thoughts and memories, there's never been a way to explain it, i could be looking at something that means so much to me, right there in the moment, and i could stand there just astonished at what's in front of me, i would replay every single thing i have locked up in my memory and i would enjoy the moment purely with my sight. However i've realised my flaws and problems and i leave things without physically taking action upon it, i can walk away completely content with having that little or big moment stored in my head with a few smiles.
It's until a year like 2015 comes along that i understand every single thing i've been doing wrong this whole time, even things i don't realise, it's until you have a night on your own thinking about how far you've come and exactly how much you've grown and changed, for better or worse, that i get my true outcome of my year.

For the longest time i longed for something to be great for, i told myself that it may be taking a while, and i may not be doing the right things to get there, but when it comes around i will realise exactly what it is and what i want and that i'm going to be the best version of every part of me to hold onto it. At that point it could of been anything, sports, friendships, relationships, family, a job, my studies, absolutely anything.
I found somebody that took my breath away like everybody gets once in their lifetime, there was a point where i could look at her and tell myself that i'm going to be a better person, a point where i knew exactly what i wanted and needed to be for her, from there without even trying i found myself progressing in every aspect of myself. I'm not gunna lie it weirded me out, routines and habits would just disappear, the games i used to enjoy meant nothing to me, the alcohol i consumed was suddenly pure regret, the late nights felt like time wasted. The only thing i knew in the moment was that i was genuinely happy, not just oh i'm in a good mood now or hey this is pretty fun, i feel as though i am content with this story, this is what i want to strive to be.
The change has been so drastic yet so subtle.
I don't even see the point in the number of the date anymore, my so called "resolution" has been to better myself as a person, a son, a brother, a boyfriend, a friend and that will never change. It's my goal every single day, not just every year. At least i'm writing this for myself to look back on if i ever go off the rails a little and lose my way.
On these emotional lolnights i always end up in notice of how i would never have changed the way i have if it wasn't for the people, support and love around me, and for every little piece of care and love i'm given, i would give back with a bundle of love and gratitude from the bottom of my heart, to the heart of my bottom.

the light of my life. 

Happy new year.

Trying to keep this blog alive like kicking a dead dog, these posts have been more of a lesson to my future self, and a way to write away my sleepless nights i guess. type*